Malchik Gay: Ville's Journal
by The Nurse Who Loved Me
Summary: Ville's journal entries that coincide with Malchik Gay. Currently rated M for adult themes and swearing .
1. Introduction

**Authors Note: These are Ville's journal entries that coincide with my other fic called "Malchik Gay" (hence the title).**

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** Malchik Gay – Ville's Journal**

"Dear Die-ary, the passions that drive us should be the ones we respect and admire.

To feel contempt for one's own motivations is a vulgar thing.

Too often, it seems, I've succumbed to less-than admirable compulsions, driven by this furiously reprehensible machine of mine.

So many things inside that I can do without - desires and urges and what not. So extraneous.

By the time I write in this book again, I hope to be as cold as the moon that lights this page."

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**Authors Note: The quote is from the Johnny The Homicidal Maniac (JTHM) comics by Jhonen Vasquez. **


	2. Page 1

**Authors Note:** **These entries are actually before the beginning of Malchik Gay. If something is in quotation marks and is also in italics it's probably lyrics. I won't reference the lyrics until the end authors note (just so you know I will reference them – don't sue me! Lol).**

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**The idle thoughts of a raging mind.**

**9:30 p.m. Monday**

I just talked to Jussi on the phone; he said he'd be coming to visit in a few days. He's been in Finland for about 4 months and I haven't seen him in about 5 months. I miss Jussi; I can't wait to see him. I still smile to myself every time I think about what we used to be like together. We dated a few years ago and it was a pretty amazing experience. Some of the nights we were together I can't even remember what happened! We would just get drunk, take pills and have sex that we would barely even remember the next day. As bad as it sounds, it was awesome. We both really enjoyed each other's company; so getting fucked up together was always really fun. We had a rule where if we couldn't remember what happened when we woke up the next day, it meant it must have been a really good night. I can't wait to see Jussi – It's been way too long. I talk to him on the phone a lot, but I haven't seen him for so long.

**11 p.m. Tuesday**

Bam and I had another fight today. The fights between us are becoming too frequent for comfort. It makes me so sad because I feel like I'm trying everything I can to help our situation but it just doesn't seem to do anything except make it worse. I feel like it's my fault that we fight, it's like I care too much about everything. Bam takes drugs and so do I, but I've always considered his use to be to a more severe extent because mine isn't a dependency. I take pills because it makes me feel more relaxed, and I get so fucking stressed out because of Bam sometimes that I just need something to bring me back down to a sane level so that I can at least try to function like a human being. It's really hard sometimes, I get so worried about him and I don't think he even realises what he does to me when he's on drugs. It's just frustrating because I feel like I'm trying everything to help him but nothing works. Talking to him about it never goes anywhere because he doesn't think he has a problem and I can't tell any of his friends about it because I promised him I wouldn't. Even if I did tell his friends it wouldn't matter, there wouldn't be anything they could do to change his mind.

I don't think Bam knows how much I care about him sometimes. It's like I pour my heart and soul to him to try and get him to understand, but he never does and I'm beginning to think that he never will. I don't like to think that way because I've never really considered myself to be a pessimist, but lately I've just been feeling so low that I can't stop myself from thinking that way and it scares me. To even be honest with myself is difficult, but when I feel low like I have been recently I just feel like I can't get back up, I don't think that it's possible for me to just get up and keep on going. Every day with Bam is getting harder and harder and I just don't know how to cope anymore.

**5 a.m. Wednesday**

I woke up on the bathroom floor about an hour ago. I have no idea what happened. I feel okay now but I guess I must have passed out, I don't really remember. I vaguely recall going into the bathroom to have a shower because I couldn't sleep, but I don't remember anything else. I still can't seem to sleep.

Jussi will be here in a couple of days and I should be happy about seeing him, but at the moment I'm not. It sounds terrible – I feel bad even just feeling this way to begin with. It's not that I don't want to see Jussi, it's just that I feel like I'm not in a good place at the moment, and I don't want him to see me like this. We still really care about each other, of course, and I know it would worry him to see me like this, and I don't want to make him worry about me. I'm not sure I'm worth that kind of energy. If I think about it, I'm kind of torn between two ideas. I mean, I don't want to see Jussi because I know that he'll notice that I'm not handling things that well, and it will probably worry him because he cares about me, but at the same time I'm kind of looking forward to seeing him because I feel like I need the closeness that we share. I haven't seen him in so many months and at the moment I need some kind of contact with a person on any level. I just feel so deprived at the moment - I'm craving closeness. I feel so lonely that it physically hurts me. I ache for the love of a man every time I crawl into my empty bed at night. Bam and I have drifted so far apart that I'm beginning to question if he even cares about me at all.

**6 p.m. Wednesday**

Bam's gone out so I thought I'd take the opportunity to write in my journal. I feel like I have so much to say but sometimes it's hard for me to even try and write what I'm thinking. I find it sad that this is my journal, for my thoughts, but I can't even be honest with myself. I know what I want to write, but I can't – not yet anyway. I don't feel as if I'm ready to write some of my thoughts down, because for me, writing things down makes them real. You can think things and they can mean nothing, but as soon as you write it on paper it becomes a valid thought that you couldn't dismiss even if you wanted to. Writing is supposed to provide me with some kind of relief from my thoughts, but sometimes it just makes them feel like more of a burden.

Bam and I didn't really talk to each other today. After the fight we had yesterday he's been ignoring me. It makes me so sad because I really hate fighting. After a fight I like calm down, go back and sort out the issues with the person and then kiss and make up, but that never happens when I fight with Bam. If I try to talk to him after a fight he ignores me and he'll talk to me when _he's_ ready to talk, like what I want doesn't matter. I wouldn't mind so much if he just said, "You know what Ville, I feel like I need some space right now to think about what's just happened, but as soon as I'm ready to talk I'll let you know," but it doesn't work that way with him! He just acts in a pissed off manner and ignores me, sometimes for days at a time.

_"I can't get my arms around you  
And we are silent worlds apart."_

I get so frustrated sometimes, because I know that we both deserve more than this. Bam doesn't deserve to be in the situation he's in, it was never his intention to develop a drug problem – it kind of just happened without either of us noticing. It just gradually built up over time. If I think back I can see the development of it all, but at the time I didn't notice that much. It's gone from a line of speed at a party to a few lines every day. It's just built up over time and become a problem without either of us really realising it. I think what probably makes me even sadder is that I didn't even notice it happening, it's like I was too self absorbed to notice my partners suffering. Sometimes I really hate myself for what I've become, I never used to be like this. I used to be so caring and my friends used to always talk to me about all of their problems, but now I don't even compare to that caring person. I didn't even notice when my own boyfriend needed me the most to save him from what he was becoming and now he can't talk to me about it. Bam and I used to talk a lot about everything that was going on between us and we used to laugh a lot together as well. It's like all of what we had withered and died because I wasn't caring enough, I couldn't stop myself from becoming self-absorbed and completely selfish. I blame myself for what's happened to Bam.

**1:20 a.m. Thursday**

Bam got home at about 10 p.m. He still isn't talking to me. He went to bed without even saying hello or goodnight. I went to sleep for a couple of hours in my bedroom but now I can't get back to sleep. I've been sitting here for about half an hour staring at nothing. I'm so tired that I physically need to sleep but I can't seem to fall asleep. It's strange because even though I'm awake, I'm not really awake. I hover on the edge of sleep, but I'm never actually able to fall asleep, but I'm not fully awake either. Welcome to the diary of an insomniac.

"_Haven't slept in a week, my bed has become my coffin."_

**3 a.m. Thursday**

Love is the absence of hate, but hate is the absence of nothing. Do you really believe we are born good? I look at strangers and I could tell you what their dreams are even though I'll never even meet them. We're all selfish, and even our outward tendencies point inward. Being human takes away your humanity.

**3 p.m. Thursday**

I sat down and had lunch with Bam today. He's talking to me again, but we didn't get to talk about our fight. We did what we usually do; keep on living as if nothing happened. We never resolve any issues because we never actually talk about them. If I try to bring them up Bam snaps at me and tells me that there isn't anything to talk about.

I didn't want to have lunch with Bam today, I wanted to spend time with him but I didn't want to eat. The last time I ate was Tuesday morning and eating today made me feel unclean. It's hard to explain. When I don't eat I feel like it's one less thing to worry about because it's one thing that I actually have control over. I don't feel as if I have control over anything in my life at the moment, at least there's one thing I can control. It gives me a sense of accomplishment when I look in the mirror and see my frame getting smaller. If I eat more than a quarter of one standard meal a day I feel disgusted with myself. Sometimes I like to see how many days I can go without eating. The longer I can go without food the better I feel about myself because it feels like I'm achieving a new goal each day that I don't eat.

Today was horrible - I felt completely neurotic. Eating lunch is something that most people would see as a simple thing but I just about had a panic attack. Normally when I eat I like to do it when no one is around so that I can measure things out and feel calm about the whole situation. I like to take the plate of food, divide it into four sections and then scrape the smallest section onto a different plate. The smallest section that I put onto the other plate is the one that I eat. I don't know why but I can't eat near the plate that I took the food from originally because I feel like I might have miscalculated somehow and I might end up eating more than the smallest quarter that I took off that plate. In the logical part of my brain it doesn't seem possible, but for some reason it makes me really nervous.

When Bam and I ate lunch I divided my plate of food into quarters and then nervously picked bits of food from the smallest quarter. I was so worried that I might accidentally eat more than the quarter I'd divided up that I was almost sick. Bam must have noticed my nervous fidgeting because he asked me what was wrong and I told him I felt sick. I was so relieved when he got a phone call that took him out of the room so that I could scrape the rest of the food off of my plate in the kitchen without him noticing that I didn't eat much. I was so worried that I'd eaten more than what I usually did that I actually started shaking. I told Bam I was going to lay down because I didn't feel well and he didn't seem to mind. I felt bad because I knew I wasn't being a hundred percent honest with him.

I felt worse because I knew that he'd never know that I actually came upstairs and threw up everything that I'd eaten for lunch. I was nearly having a panic attack because I thought I might have accidentally eaten too much and would be a failure if I let myself do that even once, so I had to force myself to throw up so that I wouldn't feel like shit. Every time I think I might have eaten more than I did the previous day I have to make myself sick just in case. I can't let myself lose control again.

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**Authors Note:** Lyrics that were used: "Pleased to meet you" By Aneiki and "The One I love" By The Rasmus.


End file.
